Thursday, May 29, 2014

NOPE, just TOO MANY COOKIES!

I was having a great day today, feeling pretty in my black maxi skirt and black fitted tshirt, my hair finally long enough to throw up in a loose bun like everyone else in the universe does.  right after lunch I figured out a tricky problem I'd been having all week with some Matlab code I'm writing for a new project.  The new project was turning out to be challenging but manageable.  I was looking forward to taking the kids to the dentist and then having dinner with my parents.

I was starting to get sleepy so I walked over to the library for a book I needed about Extreme Value Analysis and enjoyed the sunny, warm afternoon.  This has been a really exceptional spring--86 in late May is UNHEARD of.  Gorgeous.

I found my book and checked out and was headed for the door when I saw a woman I knew from a workshop I did last summer.  I smiled in greeting and was just about to say hello when she peered around the books I was holding and said it.

"Hi!  Ooh!  Baby on the way?"

chirp chirp chirp

"No."  I said, curling my lips around my teeth and biting down, HARD.

chiiiiiirrrrp chiiiiiiirrrp  chiiiiiiiirp

I tried to leave but she continued talking and some horrible quirk of my polite upbringing kept me rooted to that spot.

"Oh.  Well."

"Heh heh heh" polite smile.  I NEED TO LEAVE.  I NEED TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW.

"How old is the baby, now?"

"She's nine months." Flat.  Emotionless.  Bordering on rude.  Eyebrows inching their way up my forehead and over the top of my skull.

"Well, it took me FOR-EV-ER to get the weight off after my last baby."

Me: now visibly horrified, mouth slightly agape.

"I mean, not the WEIGHT, but you know."

Silently: No, actually, I'm not sure what you are referring to, please go on.

"My figure."

O.M.G.

She reached out to pat my arm but by then I was running out of the building, books clutched over my stomach like a thirteen year old girl.

I made it back to my office in record time and slammed my door for the cathartic Sending of Indignant Texts and Emails.  Within minutes my phone and inbox were full of "WTF?!" and "NO EFFING WAY DO YOU LOOK PREGNANT!" and my personal favorites, from Ryan:

"Did you say to her 'LOOKS LIKE YOU STILL HAVE A LITTLE MORE WORK TO DO.  BOOM!''

and from my friend C:

"We should be daydrinking together right now."

Indeed.

10 comments:

StatMom said...

Hah! Last year, my son (well into elementary school) poked my belly and asked if I was pregnant. I gave an emphatic NO, and he followed up with... "Are you sure?" At least he has the age excuse. This lady? I got nothin'.

A. said...

I'm speechless. I just... I... How could she...? My brain is melting. People have NO sense sometimes.

xykademiqz said...

I was asked if I was pregnant a couple of times, and I just answered "No, I'm just fat." That makes the other person uncomfortable instead of me.

I also admit that I asked a colleague the same obnoxious thing; she is quite thin, but all of a sudden developed a tummy, and I thought it really was safe to ask... Turns out she just gains weight around the middle. I apologized profusely after that.

Raquel said...

Why do people keep doing this! I have experienced this twice. I have no children. Both times were at church when I had on my nursery t shirt (a big baggy shirt). The second time, I said exactly what the lady above me said.

Renee said...

Becca, I got asked that in church by one of my fellow musicians. He patted his tummy and asked when the due date is? I stammered "I'm. not. pregnant." took a look at the donut I was eating and suddenly felt too guilty to eat it. I threw the half that was left into the trash, and he looked mortified that he had embarrassed us both. He said he was sorry and that it was a thoughtless question. My friend's little girl asked me the same question an hour later. Apparently I need to give up donuts and empire waisted Anything.

Brooke said...

Oh mercy. People are the WORST. Another friend of mine (with a four month old) just got asked this question at the gym. It's NEVER ok!

LL said...

omg. OMG. I can't even. Who asks that? Who KEEPS ON talking after asking that?

You look great. You do NOT look pregnant. And I hope the day drinking was delicious.

Chiconky said...

I'm really amazed that some people function at all in regular society! Who does that?! And based on your last couple pictures you definitely do NOT look pregnant. I would totally day drink and come up with snappy retorts.

Anonymous said...

Umm, just saw you and you do NOT look prego. Like, Not. At. All. Not even a second glance or a "I wonder if..." thought went through my head. Geesh. She'll understand one day when it happens to her...sigh.
Heather

Sarah said...

what in the hell?

what is WRONG with people?

I love the "No I'm just fat" response-- I am so going to use that should this situation arise (and it probably will. At the pool.)